| 6.30.05 | So, I've come to realize that sometimes I find it hard to buy beef jerky at gas stations. Usually the gas station attendant is of middle eastern or Asian Indian desent... This brings me to my dilemma. The Sacred Cow. Do they shun me for buying beef jerky? Or do they accept other religions without hestitation? I feel like I am devoring packaged religious relics or something. It would be like someone coming to my gas station and ordering packaged flesh of Jesus. Wait... We do that in church. It would be like eating bread or wafers at the gas station. Crap. I guess I would be ok if someone came in and ate Little Debbie. But her mom would probably be pissed. Anyway, I believe Beef Jerky is the world's most perfect food, and I will try not to feel bad about buying it. |
| 8.20.06 | Rap stars are always saying "nigga please," but never "nigga thank you," or "nigga you're welcome." Why is that? There is a Dave Matthews Conspiracy. It is simply that a decent amount of music released today, mostly of acoustic guitar, is actually released under aliases of the Dave Matthews Band, or just Dave Matthews. There is no... Jack Johnson, there is only Dave Matthews Band playing just an acoustic guitar, bass, and snare drum... sometimes less. John Mayer, there is only Dave Matthews releasing a Jack Johnson song with more than three instruments. Howie Day, there is only Dave Matthews trying really hard to keep from crying. Barenaked Ladies, there is only Dave Matthews playing the occasional electric guitar and pretending to be Canadian. Michelle Branch, there is only Dave Matthews playing the piano and singing with a female voice filter. Jason Mraz, there is only Dave Matthews seeing what it's like to completely fall from the face of the Earth. Maroon 5, there is only Dave Matthews trying to get one really stubborn chick to sleep with him. --- There is a philosphy that states that if something is out of sight, if you can't hear it, basically if you don't know it's there; it doesn't exist. Which I think is true, because if you ask a blind person if they like mimes, they'll just give you a confused look. --- I saw the other day a television prgram entitled "Sit and be Fit." The concept of this program is that old people aren't physically active enough, so to get into shape, they sit in a chair and move their amrs in various directions, basically slow-motion flailing. Arm muscles are concentrated on because they are the primary limb involved in grandchild hugging. --- There's a subtle finality to death. Actually, I guess it's not that subtle at all. --- You know what translates real well to writing? Sarcasm. --- I would like to host a game show called "Does This Make Me a Bad Person?" where people come on stage and tell us the things we've done, and then a planel of judges decides either "no, that doesn't make you a bad person," or "yes, that does make you a bad person." The prize in this game show is simply knowing. --- Why do they play good songs at funerals? Why don't they play songs like Rico Suave, or the Macarena? You know, songs that are already ruined for me. --- If you ever get into a fight, I think the perfect threat would be "I'm going to punch you right into next tuesday, where my future will be waiting to punch you back into three seconds before I first punched you, creating a neverending continuum where I just beat your ass until the end of time." --- When I go to Target, I see amish people there, and it makes me wonder, what do they do when they get to the electric door? |
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